Being Twenty year old is hard

 Hello Readers!

This is a confession I am making. Being twenty is hard. Very hard. Specifically when your whole life, you have been dependent on your family, financially, emotionally, economically, and dependent with everything else. Even the thoughts which you seem to have do not feel your own. Here, I am not saying that my views are of my parents. It's just that I am so bound to my own roots, sometimes it feels like I am clashing with them when I realise my own views. It seems like running away from my own roots and tradition. But I know that I will return back soon. I can't run away from my roots and background. It is the questioning of my roots, that is making my life hard. I can't seem to return back to my own before-college life, being a person who had a boring life. I have seen many shows and movies showing the portrayal of twenty-something people or the people who are entering college, and till now I haven't seen anything relatable. So, I want to write a blog based on my life. I entered my twenties this year, and I want to observe people of twenties around me, and want to comment or write about them. I still consider my life to be boring, like my character is also boring, my personality is boring, and it is only when I am on the full philosophical mind, that I turn not-boring, but then I still feel like I am boring. But it is only very few people who have watched me in that phase when I am philosophical or am cynical. I can count them in my fingers, the number of people who have seen me in both state. 

So, yes, being Twenty Is Hard. You learn the hard way to adult. After being dependent on your family for so long, you start to feel the distance from your parents. Also, society as a whole, for now, starts to expect things from you, and being twenty, makes you feel overwhelmed about all those adult responsibilities. 

Well, that was me trying to say about my own turmoil, when I turned twenty. Also, twenty is that legal age when I, as a girl am legal enough to get married. That also scares me, even when I know that my parents won't pressurise me to marry. But, being twenty does scare me. Specifically when I know that society expects girls to get married soon. Also, it feels like I still don't know myself enough. I still am in a journey to know myself. I still do get enamoured by people from the opposite sex, even when I know that I won't be able to get into relationships with them, because I am naive. 

Being twenty year old means that you are now a proper adult, and you have to behave like that. Society expects you to get out from the college by this time, and get jobs and be financially dependent. And here I am, still financially dependent on my parents. Society also expects you to be mature by this time, and they expect you to be helpful towards the elder society. I am still naive, a little bit immature as well. Also, I feel that I am selfish, and I am not a good person like I used to think about myself, or people used to think about me. 

I am biologically twenty, and will turn officially and legally twenty this April. Future scares me, being Twenty scares me. I am wondering, what and how was life for my parents when they turned twenty. I haven't asked them, but hope to. I have asked this question to some of the people who are close to me, and got some of the answers. Which definitely weren't like how the movies prescribe. Well, for me, my life has been pretty much very different from how the movies and books portray the life of a twenty-year old, from India to South Korea to United States of America. 

In college, I have not come across the drinking-party thing, except for the DJ Night which happened after the Freshers. Seniors were drunk and under the influence of drugs as well. Yes, another college-thing. Smoking and drugs are done by people who want to do it and they do it themselves. I am not interested, so I don't know enough. I have heard of parties being organised for that. During Holi (Indian festival of colours), people got high, as they consumed bhaang. People from first year(our first year) to the seniors who have come to college after their projects were high. I was not in my college at that time. I have drunk White Wine and Breezer (which contains very little alcohol) when I was in second semester of my college with my uncle and aunts in Mumbai. It was around Holi only. I drank Whiskey from my dad's leftover whiskey bottle when I turned twenty biologically this year. This has been my introduction to the drinks and alcohol. I once bought a cigarette for my friend in second semester. Only she smoked, that also not in front of me. I don't like smoking, and won't do it ever in my life. 

Parties shown in movies do not happen enough in college. It happened only during Freshers in my college. Also, romance does not come so easily in college. The senior guys are just guys who are either very helpful or philosophical or cool or sometimes weird, in a good way. I got a crush, who was all of the above. I confessed and got rejected. And then lockdown happened. So, I have moved on from my crush, knowing that I did not want to be in a relationship with him. It was only infatuation. We are cool, and we don't talk (or text) anymore, because I still feel that I will be disturbing him. I cannot say much about the Senior girls, but they are also very helpful when you approach them. 

I think my life turned much more interesting when I went to college, and now when I am turning Twenty. Even now when I have been living in my home, in lockdown, whenever I am connected to my friends from college, I feel that it was worth living after my 12 boards. But I feel that I am still stuck in two boats- wanting to be independent, and not been able to be independent. Concept and societal's description of Twenties does rear an ugly head. Also, when I retrospect on my own life-present and past, I feel that I have been wasting a lot of my time on something which is not so important. Priorities have not been made, and I feel stuck in the cycle of doing everything in uninterested way. Even now, I have been doing things that should not be done at this moment. I should be doing something academic-related. I will be facing the consequences of my actions, that I know. I am on the border of again being stuck again in a very bad cycle. 

So, yeah Twenties are hard. You need to figure out your life. In my case, I also need to figure out myself. I don't want to have any regrets, which I still have. I can't get out from that mentality. I am still figuring, and I realised that this period, like the teenage period, comes once in a while, and I must not forget myself in the race in this practical world. I must go ahead, trying to figure myself more, which I was not able to do in my teenage angst period. It is seeming that my angst period is in my Twenties because I am able to understand and come to terms with this immensely practical world. Also, whatever used to happen in popular young adult books, is happening to me now. I am coming to terms with myself and my views in my Twenties, which happen in the teenage period for most of the characters in those type of books. I don't agree too much with my parents' viewpoint, and that makes me feel frustrated. 

This has been my initial days into adult life and proper adult life after turning Twenty. There are still a lot more to say. I was thinking of an idea of making another blog saying about my Twenties or describing my life in Twenties, which has just started now. It could be a little fictionalised as well, told in a story form. I hope I do it later. Will inform if I do it. 

So, see you next time with another post!

-Anonymous_Indian_Girl